Doubts, insecurities? No, Fears

I realized today that i don't have many friends........
friends as in the true meaning of the word....
i have lots of acquaintances, but not many friends.....

Its funny how every year after my birthday, that realization hits me.
i'll spend the coming year, trying to build better friendships and bonds with people, only to find out on the next birthday that i'm back to square one.
Its not that i'm depressed about it or anything, its just something that i guess i've sorta come to expect.
I don't have many friends..... the ones i have now, in due time, will start to fade.
I have to go through the army, i won't have as much time as i have now to spend with them, so its definately gonna fade.
i wonder what my social circle is gonna be like after the army.
I can only hope that the friends i've made now will stay with me for life, and not forget me when their life gets busy.

All i can say is, i'm really scared........ i'm really unsure about a lot of things.
I know i love my dear, but i'm also scared, cause i don't want to hurt her, yet i also don't know how long this'll last.
I want it to last for as long as possible, but i'm scared.....
I believe that when you love, your whole heart has gotta be in it.
And thats what i'm doing, putting this heart of mine into loving my dearest angel.
All i can hope is that its the same on her side. I'm scared if it isn't.

Dear, i don't mean to doubt you, its just that i'm scared. i hope you understand my fears.

I'm scared about the state my relationships with other people will be like when i'm out of NS,
I don't want to loose any of my friends that i have now, yet as life goes, it'll happen sooner or later,
i can only hope it'll happen later, or never happen at all.

I'm scared about the rest of my life, What its gonna be like?
granted i have a plan to work towards, but in actualy fact, how possible is it?
How successful will i be? how successful will it be?
Could my quest to change society lead me to damnation?
To lead a life of poverty cause of a dream i had when i was a teenager?
How am i gonna support my Family? How am i gonna provide for my dear?

I know it seems like i'm planning ahead to far, but i can't help it, its all part of me.
I can't help but plan and worry FOR the future.....
probably explains why i'm a pretty solemn guy......

I don't expect life to be easy. i don't really expect much out of anything.
i can only hope and pray for the best.

There is ONE thing that i am sure of right now.....
That's how much i love my dearest angel........
That's also how much i want to be with her right now,
and also how much i miss her....
I also know that she loves me.
okay, that's 4 things.... =]

Somehow knowing that someone out there loves me is really comforting...
Most mornings, its what gets me out of bed, knowing that i'll have that person waiting for me when i get up....
Gosh i miss her so much.... even though i saw her on sunday, yet i still miss her a lot.....
She's hard at work studying for her O's, so i probably won't be able to see her till her birthday and the end of her's O's,
which both happen to fall on the same day, Nov 18th.
Its gonna be a long wait....

I hope and pray my fears are just that, fears, nothing more nothing less, no substance...

I'm lookin forward to my life ahead, i guess fears are part and parcel of life.....
I'm looking forward to life ahead with my dear..... i know i'm gonna treasure every minute i spend with her.

I love you dear,
good night.

I'm 20

I'm 20....... Worked the day away...
Can't say it was bad, it was not bad in fact.
At 12 midnight, i was still at work, my colleagues, all wished me happy birthday on the dot.. quite funny la.. =]
today, went to play pool after work.. at abt 1+ till 3..
Siao, i know, but its the only way we can destress, for most of us at least. =]
Planning to go Sentosa on Saturday after the Roadshow, maybe stay over night or something, celebrate the end of a roadshow and the beginnings of great friendships.
They asked me to bring my dear for the sentosa trip, but i told them, see how first, cause my darling studying for her O's.
right dear????
Anyway, besides that... nothing much else really happened....

I guess this year, my birthday wasn't crap....
Had my little celebration with Mel and Shao Bing, that in itself was already more than i could ask for.
then after that last sunday, My darling started playing a much bigger role in my life.
Its like already the best birthday in these 20 years.

I guess thats roughly about it, nothing much else to say.
Haven't had much of a life since the beginning of the roadshow,
but so far, even though its super tiring, its been a blast!
Especially when i have my dear on the other side of the phone to accompany me when she can.
everytime i get a message from her, i'll start grinning.. heh....
I think i'm probably the luckiest guy on earth, to have been able to have her in my life.
Dear!! I LOVE YOU!!! Miss you soo much!!

Anyway, i'm stopping here... its really really late, or rather, early.....
Good Night/Morning people......